Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Day 188 - My Cat had a Seizure!

This morning my cat who is about 16 now and has always been generally healthy for her age had a fit. I was cleaning in the bedroom and I thought she was just slipping off of the pillow that she was sleeping on, that was on the bed, but then when she started calling out I sounded like HELP! I realised that something serious was up.  She was stiff but convulsing all over the bed, almost like she was possessed. I immediately stopped what I was doing and what flashed into my mind was from a blog I had read some time ago by Rozelle De Lange I think, or an interview I heard by her about how Bernard was able to stabilise one of the dogs on the farm when he was having a seizure, so within this I immediately placed both of my hands on her back and she calmed and came around after about 30 seconds.  Poor thing she was really distressed, but I was calm, here and breathing.  Now after it was over I started to shake like a leaf and immediately took a breath and called the vet, who's number I had put on the front screen of my laptop 'just in case'  Fortunately the vet had a slot in about an hours time and asked me to bring her in, but then I realised that I was alone and had no pet carrier, and I couldn't just wrap her in a blanket and drive at the same time!








For a moment I started to stress, then I slowed myself down with the breath and called my neighbour, who thankfully was home and she had a pet carrier right there and within minutes she was here. 

Now the vet wanted to keep her for a few hours and do some bloods etc, so I left her there and went off to work. 

When I got back in the car and said goodbye to my neighbour who had kindly come to my rescue.  I started to feel sad and a lump came up in my throat like I was going to cry but nothing came out.  I started to breathe and tell myself to calm down " it's fine"  If I had of cried in that moment it would have been crocodile tears and ones that I had forced, because even though I felt sad in a moment I couldn't bring tears without really going into the thought and I wasn't about to do that, so I just drove to work breathing and counting four after each action.

I got to work and the thoughts started to come again, I was sad and worried about her and thinking about how I may have to make the decision to put her down and the other thoughts that came in around this was when I had to make the decision not to revive my Father after a heart attack and not operate on my Mother when she had cancer from alcohol abuse.  Again what do I do if I am asked 'the question'?  I then felt sorry for the cat and how she was so distressed and calling out and I tried to tell myself that she was probably not aware of the fit and then I started to look around at the customers coming in the shop, who were all on a high because it was New Years Eve so they were looking forward to the celebrations. I started to think whats up with that, I am sad, don't you know what I have been through this morning. Then when I told my colleague, who is not an animal lover, she laughed and then I thought " It's a cat, she is right, not a human.  

What is strange that since I have been walking process the cat is more present with me, when I am sat doing self forgiveness she comes and sits by me.  She looks at me sometimes when I am working through a point and it is like she is taking away residual energy from me, that is the only way that I can explain it, her head movements are like some thing is coming towards her and she shakes it off in the physical and its gone.

Later that afternoon when I got Poppy home I was worried that it might happen again, so she slept next to me in bed and the whole night I kept waking to check on her.  The vet had said that there was no reason she could see for the seizure as she is generally healthy although her kidneys are deteriorating, so I have some medication for that.

So here I am going to do self forgiveness and correction on each thought that came up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into sadness and recall memories of when I had to make the decision to let my parents go.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into worry and fear of how I may be faced with having to make the decision and then go into a whole scenario in my mind of what would I do without her, as shes been part of my life for 16 years and shes been a good cat no trouble, just huge support to me in many ways and then within this I experienced sadness and feeling sorry for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future in fear and worry instead of just being here facing whatever comes up in that moment.

When and as I see myself going into memories so that I can have the experience of sadness, because I have created a belief within and as me that is how I should react based on how I would have reacted in the past and how others react when someone they care for and 'love' is sick.  I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here and I remind myself that I am just activating a programme of being sad to attempt to deal with a situation based on old programming of how I was.  I commit myself to breathe and be here in present awareness now, without going off into the mind so that I can have an energetic experience of feeling sorry for myself so that others with sympathise with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for the cat, when the whole time it is me feeling sorry for myself and what will I do without her as I see here that I  have defined myself by her. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my cat and to see her as someone that I can't live without.  I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider what is best for the cat in all of this and that by me just focusing on me and what am I going to do I am not here as full support for her equal and one. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put strain on my human physical body and to allow myself to be addicted to the energetic charge of feeling sad, sorry for myself and others.

When and as I see myself feeling sorry for myself in that I am looking to gain sympathy from others and I want them to feel sorry for me, because I have created a belief within and as me that I am upset and sad.  I stop and I immediately breathe and I slow myself down within and as the breath and I remind myself that by me not being focused here equal and one with the cat and in my mind thinking poor cat, poor me is not what is best for myself or the cat and in no way in this moment am I doing what is best for all.  I commit myself to stop the thoughts, feelings and emotions as soon as they come up and not allow myself to go into an energetic charge of sadness for the experience of it.

I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and annoyed with others and have back chat about them because I have created a belief within and as me that they are having a better time than me.

When and as I see myself as frustrated with others because I have created a belief that they need to feel sorry for me.  I stop and I breathe and I bring myself here within and as the breath and I continue to write out the points, whereby I see myself as the victim and needing others to have sympathy for me and that their stuff isn't as important as mine.  I commit myself to stop all judgement of others and back chat toward them by walking my process of self forgiveness each time every thought, feeling and emotion comes up and staying within and as the breath, here, stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for a moment to see my cat as less than me, because of another bringing the point to my attention that they thought that I was being silly cause it is 'just a cat'. I forgive myself in this moment I have judged my cat as less than me and that by me being unhappy about her being sick I am silly, based on anothers opinion of me.

When and as I see myself as separate from any living thing in this world.  I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that nothing is more than or less than me and that I am equal and one with all that is here and that my experience of being a human is no more important that a cat or a dog or any other living thing to that matter as we are all here having a physical experience as life.  I commit myself to stand equal and one with all things here and I commit myself to keep walking my process until all that I have allowed myself to separate myself from is equal with and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to wrap my cat in cotton wool so to speak and to experience myself as worried/stressed about her to the point that I am expecting it to happen again and then within this I see myself in my minds eye reliving the seizure and telling myself I won't cope so well again and I can't face it.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not rest adequately with my own physical because I am in my mind stressing.

When and as I see myself as stressed and worried about the cat because I have created a belief within and as myself that it may happen again. I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that if it does, it does and by me worrying about it won't stop it from happening and that all that I am doing in the moments that I worry/stress is making the situation worse for me and the cat. I commit myself to just breathe in count for 4 and hold for 4, out, hold for 4 and repeat, until I am stable within and as me and I deal with what is here in this very moment, moment by moment, breath by breath.

I commit myself to stand as a living example to all and to equalise myself with life by doing what is best for ALL in every moment.