Saturday, 19 January 2013
Day 206 - Looking at my OCD
Continuing on from my previous blog Day 205 - http://7yearjourneytolifekims.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/day-204-oh-i-have-ocd-really.html
I now see/realise and understand that the level of my OCD is fairly minimal compared to some but the underlying factor is fear and then that leads to anxiety and worry and after a while its become habit and I didn't even realise I was doing something obsessive until another brought it to my attention.
Just to recap I have an obsession with making sure switches are off when I leave the house. For context please read the blog linked above.
I assumed I was just being cautious and to be fair I probably was initially. But over the last couple of years I have made it into an obsession through habitually doing it and then going off into my mind and thinking about all that can happen if I am not overly careful.. This is something that I now see has been building for sometime and I have accepted and allowed it to go unchecked until now.
The house burning down when I am not there due to a surge of electricity because I haven't switched something off.
The Cooker hob still being on and a towel nearby catches fire
The computer over heats and sets fire to the furniture or the carpet.
Losing my home to fire
The Cat dying in a house fire because I have left something plugged in
Losing my possessions to fire
Going back to check the switches several times.
Touching the switches several times, even though I can see that they are off.
Tensing in my body when I am in the mind thinking about what could happen.
Asking another to check for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind in my imagination of what could/may happen because I haven't turned the cooker, computer and various other components off when I leave the house.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the house catching fire when I am not there, based on nothing that I specifically remember but just that I have created a scenario in my mind based in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to THINK that I am being overly cautious and responsible because I am checking over and over again that the power is off and nothing that can catch fire is nearby.
When and as I see myself as going off in my mind and running a scenario of what could happen based only on my imagination and fear. I stop and I breathe and bring myself here within and as the breath and I remind myself that I am creating a fear based on my own imagination and that it is perfectly acceptable to be careful in that I check once, but to obsess and go off on an imaginary trip of worse case scenario is not acceptable and is creating a monster of anxiety and worry within and as me that will only get worse if I do not stop it now. I commit myself to slow myself down and breathe and look to see that it is safe once and once only and do not go off on a tangent in my mind /imagination, by remaining in the breath and slowing myself down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all my possessions in a fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my cat being hurt or dying in a fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anywhere to live if my house were to catch fire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to my home catching fire. Thus I forgive myself that I fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to my cat dying/being hurt in a fire. Thus I forgive myself that I fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to losing my possessions. Thus I forgive myself that I fear my own fear.
When and as I see myself as fearing all of the above because I am in my mind and my imagination, imaging the worse that can happen. I immediately stop in that moment within and as the breath, slowing myself down with the four count breath. I remind myself that I have possessed myself within and as the imagination and that is all that it is, my own fear created by my own mind. I commit myself to keep applying the breath, until I am calm and no longer experience the need to go back and check over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself within and as the physical by being in the mind in fear and worry because I have imagined the worst.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my physical body under strain and stress because I have been in the mind and directing myself within and as the mind and not here present within and as the breath in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard my physical body in favour of the mind because I have allowed and accepted it to have full directive principle over what actions I take. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body by being anxious/fearful and worried and within this I am putting strain and ageing the very tissue that makes up every fibre of my body.
When and as I see myself as walking back towards the switch and reaching out my hand to check. I Immediately stop in that moment and I remind myself that if I am at this stage I am completely into the possession of fear that I have been generating in mind as an energetic charge and that I am directing myself in anxiety and stress and I must go right back to the beginning and start again and look to see where I allowed the possession to take over and I apply self forgiveness on the points that come up as my imagination/thoughts. I commit myself to stop the mind fuck that I have created for myself as an obsessive compulsive disorder for once and for all.
Investigate: Desteni i process for more information on how to walk out of possession for once and for all.